it’s been a while …

For a couple of months I have not been posting nor curating this page at all. Which is not a big deal, considering I have always used this more as a diary/outlet for myself rather than anything else. Did I want to become super successful with this at a point? Yeah, probably, but I really did not in the last few months/years and to be honest I do not even care if anyone looks at this. I just felt a bit like reviving this and typing out my thoughts.

It is not that I don’t like writing on the blog, I really do enjoy it, but I had no motivation whatsover in the last – I think – five months and even before that I didn’t really. Maybe this one won’t be followed by anthing. Who knows? Because it was not that I did not have time – sure I was stressed with uni and I moved out of my parents’ flat into a shared flat and for a while my mental health wasn’t very good either – but I did have time for myself to use however I felt like and blogging was not on that list.

But, if I am being honest with myself a lot of hobbies were not, I did waste time. And by that I don’t mean relaxing and just calming down after stressful times which is good and necessary. But rather being on my phone way too much – not just to check on the accounts I follow and maybe post something, but on the explore page of IG or watching YouTube videos I basically did not care about at all. That is a pretty common thing nowadays, but I don’t want that anymore. And maybe, maybe writing down this can help me hold myself accountable. There are millions of things I actually prefer over being on my phone, but it is a lot easier, more comfortable to just scroll.

I try to get back on board with drawing and whenever I do it I feel really happy – I don’t feel like sharing it either, because I want to do it for me, unlike so many other things that I feel almost obligated to share for no real reason whatsoever.

Recently I read Mauve: How One Man Invented a Color That Changed the World (really good book by the way) which also kind of inspired that feeling of wanting to live more and be less passive, be less focused on what other people – that I have no interest in or connection to – do. Here is the thing, I do love posting outfits on Instagram, because I love fashion, collecting and creating clothing. It is a big passion of mine to create outfits that may present a story, a character or just a shade of me and I enjoy looking at my feed because there are so many memories connected to the photos. I feel less internal pressure now to post daily/at all, because I am doing this 100% for me now and not for anything else. And I also always enjoyed going through my travelling photos and posting about places I have been to, because seeing the world is wonderful and taking photos is too. I am not a prefessional photographer, I have just some basic knowledge and no interest to turn this professional in any way, but I want to pick this up again and write about where I have been since April (Venice, Berlin, Bratislava and Vienna), because I like going back to those places via the photos, maybe write about places I would recommend checking out, maybe post some of the outfit photos I took.

From my side, I do not want to end this blog, this “diary”, but what I do want to end is the “pressure” I put on myself to share everything, because why? Things do have value even though nobody other than me sees them. I do not need the praise/acceptance/whatever from other people to make them valid. I always used the internet – various platforms from deviantArt to goodreads to Instagram – to keep track of things. When did I do what? When did I sew that? When did I read this? When? When? Because I am somewhat obsessive with recording the chronology of things. I cannot read a book without tracking when, how often, how long and I don’t know why this is the case – maybe I should ask my therapist. It feels a bit unhealthy. In a way I did that here with my sewing updates and I try to get away from that.

And as mentioned above towards living more and wasting less. Be that by overthinking, procrastinating or tracking things. This post went in another direction than I expected, but I don’t mind. I truly hope this helps me hold myself accountable when I pick up my phone to look at things that don’t interest me rather than spend times on hobbies. It goes hand in hand with an attitude I have to get rid of – when I have like an hour (or less usually) left til I need to get somewhere I often tend to procrastinate (e.g. be on my phone), because I feel like well, what am I supposed to do in x minutes anyway? when in reality I could surely read a few pages, clean my room (while I am downright pedantic in the kitchen, I am not in my bedroom), edit a few photos, study or revise etc. And that is something I have to alter in my behaviour.

There are more things I want to change, but I think this is a good starting point for myself and a good glance into what moves me at the moment. I might write about this again in outfit posts or maybe I won’t. But here we go.

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2 thoughts on “it’s been a while …

  1. Hey, and welcome back :)
    I could strongly emphasize with everything you discussed on this blog test: lately, I have noticed the same unproductive behaviour and it made me feel so angry at myself. because I have been wasting so much time doing exactly nothing. I set aside everything I love doing, all my duties and responsibilities to just blankly watch the phone screen. However, after the first and impulsive negative feeling, I understood there was no reason to sit around and mope, but I had to take action to finally redeem.
    It’s important to live moments like this, learn from our mistakes and finally improve ourselves, in order to feel always better with the person that we are :) Keep going and be strong, everything will be better~

    Like

    • “I set aside everything I love doing, all my duties and responsibilities to just blankly watch the phone screen.” I hundred percent agree with this. There is no problem with spending time on the phone, but within reason and especially with a reason. It is tough not to pick it up, because it is such a habit. Thank you for your input and the best to you as well.

      Liked by 1 person

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