Long time no see…
As you know, I’m done wih school now. In a way, I feel very free, but at the same time not at all. I talk about being indecisive every ocnce in a while (like here or here), probably because it’s one of my main personality traits. But besides not being able to decide on something and stick with it, I’m afraid, terrified even of the future. I mean, I have a job now, but it’s likely that I’ll go to university in a year. Instead of enjoying that time, I’m in sort of a future panic mode. I’m not only shy when talking to people, in a way I’m shy of the future. I don’t walk towards the future leaving worries behind and welcoming the new day. Don’t get me wrong, I love living and I wake up happy almost every day, because you can dot so much in a day. Still, there’s a fear within – but then again I’m a worrier and always consider what could go wrong. Not necessarily pessimistic, more like a worring optimist.
New York was good for and to me in that way. It felt right and somehow like home. The city took my mind away from my worries. Instead I just enjoyed every minute of it. I already mentioned that I kind of have a problem with dirty & grey London, but New York wasn’t like that at all. There’s so much life in this city, it’s so vivid. So, due to this liveliness I really felt like living in the moment and focusing on the great things that happen to me at the moment. Of course, it did also help that a lot of people told me that my outfit was cute etc. (But seriously, that print is perfect!)
I developed kind of a repression mechanism that works quite well, so I focus on the now. You know, I don’t really want to talk about worries or problems, because compared to what other people fight that’s just petty. And when I start talking about those things I get kind of shirty, talk a lot of nonsense and worry aboout even more (unrealistic) things – it’s kind of hysteric in a way. That’s obviously nothing I want. So, when something bugs me I write it down, of course I don’t post everything, but writing really helps me. I can focus my thoughts on those issues and deal with them that way. But the way New York was, was even better, because I did not repress anything, it just wasn’t on my mind. That dress obviously reminds of trying not to worry that much.