Just putting a little disclaimer before writing this: I’ve had kind of an internal breakdown (basically about nothing of real importance) yesterday. So, it’s me complaining about rather unimportant stuff. I’m just better at writing this down than talking to people. Also, somehow my thoughts are mainly in English recently, so… I had these thoughts when lying in bed last night, starring at the ceiling (of course, I thought about it before, but it was very intense yesterday).
I have this enormous problem with indecision. At the moment there are two things – objectively they are of very different importance for my life, but to me they are both pretty important. There are things I’m pretty sure. I stay at home too much. I don’t do enough sports. I have too many interests to spend time doing all of them. I’m bisexual. When I know there’ll be a stressful situation, I’ll have a breakdown weeks or months before the stressful time.
Of these things I’m sure. Let’s start with the very clicheé drama probem, I have: I think about letting my hair grow to get a bob with a fringe – a little shorter than Iona in Pretty in Pink or Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. I’m very happy with my current colour (a violet of sort, you can see it on Instagram) Then, I see a pixie cut picture again and I don’t want to anymore. Then, I see a bob picture, and I do. Yes, I thought about wigs, but I want to colour the bob regularly, so that’s no really an option. Will be thinking about this for the next couple of weeks. And talking about pixiecuts: I’ve been featured on this lovely website. ♥
Now, to the other issue. I think, I already mentioned I wanted to become a tailor. Now, I’m not so sure anymore, for a few reasons. One: I’m afraid I’ll loose my passion for sewing when doing it on a professional level (and therefore not being free). Two: I called two companies and the both of them won’t be having apprentices in autumn (one of them I had called two months back and they said I should call again in spring, now they told me they didn’t have any open positions.) So, I was pretty bumped. I might have to add, that I easily get self-conscious and feel like things won’t work out at all. Three: I would only like to work at a theater (or in the film industry, but most German movies and their wardrobes aren’t even close to my taste) later on OR have my own shop. Well, I don’t think the chances are high. And four: In my mind there are a few more ideas what job I want to have (besides tailor and I had them just as long):
- something in a lab and having a PhD (chemistry, biology etc.), I’d also love something like physics, but I’m not exactly good at physics
- something with history, preferrably Egyptology
- something with literature (but i wouldn’t want to be a critic or a journalist, so…)
And I thought, maybe, if I went to university, studying any of the things listed above, I could sew as well. Work on my cloths, maybe have a(n etsy) shop. And create cosplay outfits – so I would be able to sew Grease outfits no matter what. It would depend whether I worked at a theater or not.
The thing is, I like too many things, I have a huge spread of interests and I don’t like getting stuck in the same thing for years (thus, no office job) – I want to test things, explore, help, learn.
And this is basically it, everything I wanted to write – I don’t even care if anyone reads this, I just had to type it. But, if you read it and you have a decision problem yourself, I really hope it will work out for you and everything will be wonderful for you.